Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Scaerian Mass

What follows here is a proposed setting for LSB created in the Spring of 2004 by a diligent (i.e. bored 4th year who shall remain nameless) Seminarian who sat at the feet of Dr. Scaer. Inspired by Scaer’s high appreciation for both the liturgy and brevity, the following setting is dedicated in his honor. Note: Everything is spoken, because singing takes longer.

It is to be noted that this service did in no way pass doctrinal review is and is not to be used. It is provided here simply for your information.

The Scaerian Mass

(To be said with all due haste)
[Stand]
P: In the Name of God (1)
C: Praise the Lord, guy.
[Sit]
P: Beloved, boy, do we have a lot to confess.
[Stand]
P: Our help is in the name of the Lord.
C: And you forgave the iniquity of our sin.
[The pastor shall put his right foot in]
C: God we are miserable people. [The pastor shall put his right foot out] We have acted like we are Germans, [The pastor shall put his right foot in] we have knocked corn and refused to do things Iowa style. [The pastor shall shake it all about] Forgive us this and all that other junk too. [The pastor now turns himself about]
P: Do you believe that my forgiveness is God’s forgiveness?
C: NO!
P: Upon this your confession, I, by virtue of the majority vote of this congregation, as a called servant who has experienced the non-sacrament adiaphora of ordination. . .
C: Get to the point!
P: I forgive you.
C: Praise the Lord, guy.
[Sit]
The Introit
Psalm 117 is read.
[stand]
The Kyrie
C: Lord and Christ, have mercy.
[sit]
The Hymn of Praise
P: Glory to God in the Highest.
C: Here’s to You, God.
[stand]
P: The Lord be with you.
C: But not with you.
P: Oh well, let’s read.
[sit]
P: The Old Testament is ________
C: Get to the point!
[Here shall follow the reading as speedily as possible]
P: This is the Word of the Lord.
C: We know.
[stand]
P: The Gospel is ________
C: Read it, already.
[The Gospel is read in Latin]
P: I’ll go preach now.
[sit]
[Here shall follow the sermon. It shall last no longer than 5 minutes]
[stand]
The Creed
C: Jesus is Lord.
[sit]
The Prayers
P: Dear Lord, help everyone who needs it.
C: Praise the Lord, guy.
[stand]
The Preface
P: The Lord be with you.
C: But not with you.
P: Lift up your heart [The pastor shall flap his arms while saying this]
C: I’m flying!
P: Let’s give thanks to God [The pastor shall lift his hands above his head]
C: Get on with it already.
P: It is truly good, right, meet, salutary, spiffy. . .
C: Enough with the synonyms.
P: . . . that we get on with the service.
[sit]
C: Pater Noster. . .
[stand]
P: Our Lord, on the night He was, well, you all know, let’s just eat.
C: Praise the Lord, guy.

[Here shall follow the Communion. Every member consumes the individual serving wafer and wine he received upon entering the sanctuary.]

C: Lord, let your servant depart in Peace.
P: Wait, come back!
C: What?
P: The Lord bless you, now get out of here!
C: Take care, blessings (2)
[leave the church and hob-nob over coffee]

Endnotes:
1 - The Phrase “In the Name of Dave, Pete, and the Queen of Heaven” may be used to provide variation.
2 -
In advent the phrase “Don’t slip on the ice” may be added.

7 comments:

masonbeecroft said...

Hilarious.

Christopher D. Hall said...

How's this different than what you Lutherans do normally?

BTW..the "Word Verification" below is "unial"...awful close to "Uniate." Just what have you got going on here, anyway?

Rev. Eric J Brown said...

Normally we talk more. . . who's gonna get paid for doing a 7 minute service each week. It's all about the Benjamins - and I'm not talking about Joe's brother.

Myles Schultz said...

o.k. ... Who sent you a copy of our service!?

Anonymous said...

It's a good start, but it would be a good idea to have five settings of the Mass so that people would not get bored with so much of the same thing week after week. Perhaps we could have variations where the worship leader does the actions of the Chicken Dance, Macarena, Achy Breaky Heart or the Tokyo Two-Step during the confession.

One correction: unless the pastor has been ordained more than once (I thought the new fad was less than once) it should read "the non-sacrament adiaphoron of ordination..."

Anonymous said...

Don't forget guys, Eric has seen Scaer in his bathing suit while floating down the Nile River in Egypt.

Yes, he was in denial :) :)

Petersen said...

I am converted.