Wednesday, November 5, 2008

4 Years Ago

I wasn't writing this blog four years ago -- so many of you have never seen this. I was looking at things I had written at the last elections, and I found this piece after the 2004 Election. Enjoy.

01:41 am - BPI News Flash - Florida Scandal!!!

BPI (Brown Press International) - Lahoma, OK -

Once again confused elderly voters in the state of Florida may have inadvertently elected George W. Bush President of the United States, causing Democrat John Kerry to call for a revote. Early Wednesday morning, over 56,000 calls flooded the Secretary of State's office, all asking why "that young Bush is still president when I voted for his father yesterday."

In what appears to be a bit of senility and confusion in a combination that only Florida can produce, an estimated 250,000 - 400,000 elderly voters mistook George W. Bush for George H. Bush, his father, and thereby erroneously cast their votes in favor of the younger Bush.

"You can't really blame these poor people," said Senior Advocate John Allen, "especially as they live in Florida. Not only do they have to keep track of the two Georges, but they also have a Bush for a governor. Add in the two Barbaras, and it's simple pandemonium, well beyond the ability of their feeble minds to comprehend."

Democratic Canidate for President John Kerry has demanded a recount, pointing out that anyone who would vote for someone as spineless as Bush Sr. would obviously rather have voted for him. "Besides," said one Kerry aid, "we all know Sr. hates Jr.'s guts anyway, and really, can you blame him? I know if I had a son who did coke, much less once owned the Texas Rangers, I'd be so embarrassed of him."

Undaunted, George W. Bush still happily claims the state as his. "I am confident that God used these kindly hearted people to strike a blow to the heart of terrorists all over the world in spite of their confusion. Clearly my election is the will of God, and I am His chosen instrument to vanquish the scourge of Muslimism from the face of this planet."

There has been much backlash to this across the nation. In 28 states legislation has been introduced to prohibit people over the age of 60 from voting. "They are just old idiots who want to steal from me and call it social security," said Texas State Senator Billy-Bob Allen-Weingarten. "Why should I pay my hard earned money into Social Security so some applesauce sippin' waste of skin can sit around all day and play canasta?"

The most severe response has come from US Senator Tom Daschle. Daschle, having lost his bid at reelection, has decided to dedicate his remaining political career to having Florida expelled from the Union. "Why not? We can get our oranges from California, and we could have an honest election without old folks just messing it up. I'm sick of them!"

While President Bush has not actively said that he supports the Daschle plan, Border Patrol stations are already being established in southern Georgia and Alabama, and Jeb Bush is stockpiling enough weaponry to ensure that if Florida loses statehood he can safely entrench himself as warlord. It appears the nation's troubles with Florida will continue, at least for the foreseeable future.

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